allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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