hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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