just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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