phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
