Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
