K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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