Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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