I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
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you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
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Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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