sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
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My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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