this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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