I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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