..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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