My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
