you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
