I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
