Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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