my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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