wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
