Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
