Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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