Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
