Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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