Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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