Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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