i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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