I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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