I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
