Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
