Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
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I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
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Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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