the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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