I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize