I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
50% drunk capacity currently
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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