I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
