fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
