I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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