Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
