omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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