Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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