I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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