His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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