Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
