Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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