At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
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It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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