The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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