Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
