Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
