this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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