I wish I only lived at night.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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