Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
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Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
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So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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