I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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