Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
