Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
