To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
