Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
