so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
